


the one that makes me lose it all

by thetruthmayvary



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-06
Updated: 2012-11-06
Packaged: 2017-11-18 02:57:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/556113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetruthmayvary/pseuds/thetruthmayvary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall is the new kid in school and he goes from making Zayn feel utterly worthless to making him realize he just might be good enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the one that makes me lose it all

**Author's Note:**

> Title from This, by Ed Sheeran

We are what we learn to be.  Our experiences shape us, mould us, turn us into whatever people expect of us, into whatever we expect of ourselves.

As a kid who's always had trouble focusing and following instructions, Zayn's experiences have taught him to do the opposite of what people tell him, because if he  _really_ tried they’d just end up disappointed. So he doesn't pay attention in class, doesn't do his homework, doesn't eat his vegetables, doesn't turn off the TV when it gets late, and doesn't say thank you. He gets in fights, picks on his sisters, steals cherries from the market, makes paper planes during math class, and when people start calling him a  _trouble-maker_  it’s almost like he’s finally done something right. 

When he reaches high school, he’s still a trying not to disappoint anyone- in his backwards way, but he it’s just too easy to kick his misbehaving up a notch– he argues with his teachers, sneaks out at night, smokes, drinks and hangs out with the kids who learned to do the same. 

He’s fine with all of this, he truly is. There's no one he needs to be better for, no one who he truly believes would like him more if he was different. 

Not until a skinny blond kid shows up in school at the beginning of senior year. 

“I'm Niall. I...uhm... I moved here from Mullingar, Ireland. And I...I have a gold fish. Her name is Trini- stupid name for a fish, I know; I don't even know if it's a girl fish, but she just reminded me of the yellow Power Ranger, you know, and I needed to call her something, so- yeah. I'll just shut up now.” 

By the time he's finished with his introduction the blond boy is red up to his ears and the class is giggling behind their hands, and Zayn might be just a tiny bit in love (and it's not  _just_ because Niall named his gold fish after Zayn’s favourite Power Ranger, though that might be a bit of it). 

Niall fits in easily - he's friendly and carefree, all boisterous laughs and sparkling eyes, and not at all as shy as he seemed in the beginning. Very soon, he’s made friends with Liam Payne, an unusual combination of intelligent and jock, and his whole crowd- and Zayn still hasn’t even bothered to introduce himself. He doesn't really see the point. 

After two months, Niall starts looking at Zayn and his two best friends, Louis and Harry, the same way everybody else does – like the rebels that are occasionally fun to have in class but just as easily be a pain in the arse by pissing off the teacher. Like the guys who you might approach if you needed to buy some weed or get a tattoo before you're legal- but never someone you’d want to be actual friends with. 

So Zayn decides he'll return the favour and look at Niall like  _he_  does everyone else – as someone who's not really relevant to his life. This turns out to be easier said than done. 

The first time Zayn actually speaks to Niall is when their history teacher decides to break up the troublesome trio, sending Louis to sit in the first row and Zayn somewhere in the middle of the classroom, right next to the Irish lad.

Zayn spends the next 15 minutes debating whether he's glad she sent him there or if he wouldn’t like to throw a chair at her face for doing so.

Niall mostly pays attention to the lesson, whispering something to Liam only once in a while, and Zayn tries to keep himself from staring because he really has no right to stare at Niall’s golden locks, or the outline of his nose, or his chin dimple.

He also has no right to lean casually towards him to try and smell him, but he still does. And he smells wonderful.

The class is almost over when Niall catches him watching. Zayn directs his eyes to the blackboard abruptly, but obviously not fast enough because he hears Niall's low chuckle beside him. It makes Zayn turn to him again, because who does he thinks he is, chuckling at him, like he’s done something  _funny_?- and he finds himself looking directly into the boy’s bright blue eyes.

It should be uncomfortable and he should look away, but it isn't and he doesn't. When the bell rings, Niall chuckles again and they finally break eye contact as he starts collecting his things.

Zayn is a little dazed by all the blue, and he doesn't get up until Harry slaps him across the head lightly and says “C’mon, man!”, sharing a quizzical look with Louis over Zayn’s weird behaviour. It’s enough to wake Zayn up. He jumps to his feet, rushing past Harry and Louis a quick “I'll meet up with you guys later”, before sprinting into the hall to catch up with his Irish classmate. Zayn spots him, darts through the crowd, and finally catches him with a firm grip on his shoulder.

“What was so funny back there?” He sounds more threatening than he really intended, but the idea of Niall laughing at him makes his blood run hot.

Liam and this tall guy Zayn thinks might be Andy are standing on either side of the blond, eyeing  Zayn critically, and for a second Zayn wants to punch them in the face just to show them that yes, he really is here to cause trouble.

Even though he really isn't.

“Nothing,” Niall says, laughing again, and Zayn suspects he's doing it just to show that he laughs at everything and that it really isn’t a big deal. “Honestly, mate, I find random things funny,” he continues, and Zayn sort of believes him, because he did once see Niall laughing at a guy sharpening his pencil, and also because it was hard  _not_ to believe him.

“Okay,” Zayn says, because he really doesn’t want Niall to mention to the others that he caught Zayn staring at him like a love struck schoolgirl. He backs away and heads to find Louis and Harry, unaware that later that day he'll want to rip his hair out of his skull for being such an idiot.

It turns out that their history teacher, Mrs. Walker, wants the sitting schedule she made up for the three of them to remain permanent, so two days later Zayn’s right back next to Niall, trying very hard not to watch him from the corner of his eye.

Niall doesn't look at him at all, and Zayn wonders if he scared him off with the little scene in the hallway. He also wonders if that’s sort of what he intended, because sometimes it's better to mess things up right at the start. It's like that Goo Goo Dolls song says, “Everything's made to be broken.” So why prolong the part where it all starts breaking?

But the most unfortunate thing happens when the teacher asks them to answer some questions from the book. Zayn is pretty sure his copy of  _Walk Through the Past 4_  hasn't left the comfort of his desk drawer since he got it, and he wouldn't be bothered by this one bit if Mrs Walker wasn’t so set on everybody participating in the assignment.

Mrs. Walker eyes Zayn with exasperation before turning to Niall. “Mr. Horan, share your book with Mr. Malik as he seems unprepared.” 

Niall doesn't seem very pleased, but he still puts a smile on his face (no chuckle, though) and does as he's told. 

Zayn doesn't particularly want to do the work, but he figures he has no choice now, so he pulls out a notebook and starts scribbling the answer to the first question.

He basically takes the book to himself, because Niall seems to know all the answers without looking them up, but even that can't help him when he reaches the one asking for his opinion on liberal reforms of the early 20th century, so he simply gives up and drops his pencil on the desk.

“That's like the easiest one,” Niall suddenly says, grinning at him.

Zayn’s head snaps up, turning sharply to Niall. “What?” 

“When a question asks for your opinion, you can hardly get it wrong, can you?” Niall asks, amused.

“Pretty sure Walker thinks you can,” Zayn grumbles under his breath. 

Niall laughs, though Zayn doesn't think it’s really that funny. He does, however, find it darkly hilarious when Niall introduces himself (like Zayn’s not already hyperaware of who he is). 

“I'm Niall, by the way. You're Zayn, right?” 

“Yeah.” And that surprises him- how Niall knows his name.

“I like your shirt,” Niall offers, and Zayn looks down at his  _thank you – fuck you_  t-shirt like he’s never seen it before.

“Thanks,” he says with a smirk, and Niall chuckles more loudly this time so that Mrs. Walker shoots him a disproving look. She gives one to Zayn as well, like she’s fairly sure he’s corrupting the usually well-behaved blond.

When she’s looked away, Niall leans closer to Zayn under the pretence of checking something in the book. “You coming to the game Saturday?”

Zayn should say no. He never goes to those things and he already has other plans, but something about the way Niall’s looking at him, almost hopefully, like he actually wants him to be there, makes him answer differently.

“Maybe.  Are you?” Well, that’s a stupid question- of course he is; he’s best friends with the team captain.

Niall never manages to answer because Mrs. Walker’s sharp voice cuts him off.

“It truly amazes me, Mr. Malik, how you manage to find a way to interrupt the class no matter where you're seated.”

“What can I say?” Zayn asks, putting more bravado in his voice than he really feels. “It's a gift.”

“Not one that does you much good, I’m afraid,” she snaps unkindly, before turning to the class at large. “Alright, class, I hope you're all finished. Let’s hear your answers.”

Later that day, Zayn decides he isn't going to the game. It’s not like he’ll be able to convince Louis and Harry to miss a party for a basketball game, and showing up alone would be too weird, even for him. And there's really no point on going anyway.

He and Niall talk (well, whisper would be a more appropriate term) every history class after that, and they greet each other in the hallways, and Zayn starts considering them something close to friends, though he isn't entirely sure how he feels about that.

They don't really see each other outside of the school, so Zayn's definitely surprised when he spots Niall at one of Louis' party somewhere in March. His heart beats a little faster and he can’t quite drink enough to soothe the edge in his nerves.

“What's Niall doing here?” he asks Louis who's hanging off of Harry's neck, swaying to the music.

“Who?” Louis asks, and Zayn wonders if his friend is too far gone to be of any help.

“The Irish guy who's in like half of our classes,” Zayn says not too patiently.

“The one you always flirt with during history?” Harry cuts in, and Zayn doesn't really appreciate his pointed smirk.

“I don't flirt with him!”

“Hey, no one's judging you, mate, no need to roar,” Louis responds. Zayn hardly thinks he  _roared_.

“Well, you two are in no position to judge anyway- you've been acting like clingy boyfriends all night!”

Louis and Harry both giggle, and Louis holds on to Harry a little tighter for the effect, Harry adjusting his hands on Louis' back a little lower.

Zayn rolls his eyes at them before heading to the kitchen for another drink. He gets stopped by a short, dark-haired girl flinging herself at him, asking him to dance. He pushes her away gently, trying not to disturb her already precarious balance, and then pushes the rest of the way through the crowd.

In the kitchen he founds a bunch of guys mixing some cocktails, and when they offer him one he takes it gladly, not even asking what the hell it is. He pours it down his throat- it burns, and he thinks he can taste tequila, red wine and at least one type of rum.

He takes a beer out of the fridge to carry with him back to the party, or more precisely, back to the living room couch that had been pushed against the wall. He’s feeling a little dizzy, and when Niall comes out of nowhere and sits next to him, he's actually glad to see him there.

“Hey, man,” Niall slurs in greeting and Zayn immediately notices that he's sort of wasted, too.

“Hey, Blondie,” Zayn says because his brain isn’t functioning at top form.

“Blondie?”

“Yeah, you're blonde, love,” Zayn offers.

“Love?” Niall wonders again, and when he laughs Zayn can’t stop staring at his mouth, and that should by no means be okay.

Zayn only grins at him, and Niall grins in return.

“You should smile more, you look good when you smile,” Niall observes, and Zayn gets an overwhelming desire to kiss him, or just have him fuck him against a wall - both would be good.

Zayn has to work extra hard to make his words clear when he says, “You look good when you smile  _and_  when you don't.”

Niall chuckles low. “So, I look good all the time?”

“Basically, yeah.”

“That's good to know,” Niall says, still grinning, and then adds, “This is a good party. And I like your shirt.”

Zayn can't even remember what he's wearing, so he looks down to check. Turns it’s a Bob Marley t-shirt, and he finds it weird that Niall likes it – never would’ve deemed him a Bob Marley fan.

“You listen to Marley?”

“Yeah, who doesn't? I think Redemption Song must be the chillest song of all time.”

“ _Won't you help to sing these songs of freedom..._ ” Zayn starts singing, and Niall's eyebrows shot upwards in surprise before he joins in.

“ _'Cause all I ever have...Redemption songs...Redemption songs_.”

Zayn isn't sure how or why, but a little while later he's back in the kitchen, the cocktail boys all gone, and Niall's tongue in his mouth.

He's sitting on the counter, his legs wrapped up around Niall's waist, one of his hands is tangled in his golden locks and the other one is gripping the back of his neck. Niall has his hands low on his back, and his touch is burning Zayn's skin.

It feels so good to finally be capturing Niall's lips with his own, to bite on his tongue, and Zayn realizes just how long he'd wanted to do this. He feels dizzy again, but it isn't just because of the alcohol. His erection is pressing against Niall's and that makes him moan into other boy’s mouth, and he's about to suggest they go find an empty room because it would be very embarrassing if he came in his pants. But Niall backs away, wiping his mouth with his sleeve, and looks dazed and happy and angry all at once.

Zayn wants to pull him close again because he's drowning in need, but he hesitates for a little too long, and Niall's gone.

He wakes up the next morning on Louis' couch, the same one he and Niall were talking and singing on the night before, and at first he doesn't remember anything – his head is throbbing too hard.

He manages to reach the kitchen, hands pressed to his aching temples, and gets himself a glass of water. When he sees the counter he almost had a fucking orgasm on yesterday, it all comes rushing back, and he sort of wishes it didn't.

He curses Niall for even coming to the fucking party in the first place, and he curses himself for being so weak and needy.

They don't talk in history class after that anymore. It all goes back to the way it was at the beginning, only Zayn decidedly doesn't stare, and Niall doesn't chuckle.

They don't even say hello to each other in the hallways, and Zayn sees it as Niall's choice because Niall is the one who turns his head away when he passes right by him the Monday after the party.

It makes him inexplicably mad- so mad in fact, that after a few weeks he starts skipping history classes just so he won’t have to sit next to Niall and  _pretend_ he doesn't give a damn.

“Walker said, and I quote, ‘tell Malik he better get his ass here next week or I'm going to fail him so hard he won't know what hit him,’” Harry tells him one afternoon in May when they meet in the park behind school after classes finish, the last one being history.

“She said that?”

“Yeah, word for word. So are you sure avoiding some guy you fucked once is worth failing history?”

“I didn't fuck him, I told you that like a hundred times,” Zayn mumbled, too tired of the conversation to put any venom in his voice.

“Then why are you avoiding him?”

“He annoys me.”

Harry snorts. “Well, you're annoying me right now, but I'm not avoiding you.”

“I’ll be in class next week, okay? Let’s just not talk about it anymore.”

Harry blinks a few times, but then nods, silently agreeing. “So what about prom?” he asks, artfully changing the subject.

“What about it?” Zayn returns, not exactly excited about this conversation either.

“You should ask someone, before all the good ones get taken,” Harry says knowingly.

“Did you already ask someone, then?” Zayn demands, feeling left out. It’s not a big deal, but it also kind of is, that Harry asked someone to the prom without even telling him.

“Yeah.”

“Who?”

“Lou,” Harry says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world, and Zayn realizes that maybe it is.

He actually smiles for the first time all day, and Harry beams back at him.

“You two’ll be the best looking couple there.”

“We know,” Harry responds with a shit-eating grin.

A week later, Liam and Andy stop Zayn by his locker, and even though Zayn thought this whole Niall situation couldn't make him any angrier than it already has, the two of them prove him wrong.

“What’d you do to him?” Liam asks, and it doesn't take Zayn long to figure out who he's referring to.

He wants to scream at them, but he ends up laughing. “What’d he tell you I did?”

“He didn't tell us anything, but something clearly went on,” Andy says, and he tries to look threatening while Liam just looks worried.

And,  _of course_ , they assumed that it was him who hurt Niall, not the other way around, because Niall is a precious little angel, and he's...well, he's Zayn.

Zayn laughs again, which probably isn't helping him seem innocent but he doesn't care. “So maybe you should ask him exactly what that something is,” he says and walks away, promising himself that he doesn't care that Niall's regret or whatever it is runs so deep that even his friends have noticed.

He doesn't invite anyone to the prom. He's actually half-decided that he won't go at all, even though he knows that Harry and Louis would probably kill him if he doesn’t show up.

A week before the actual event, Niall throws a crumpled paper on his desk during history class. He looks at it for a few seconds with curious and nervous eyes, like he's expecting it to burn out in flames or something; after all, since he started attending history again the two of them haven't even looked at each other, not to mention communicating in any way.

He unfolds it at last to see  _I'm sorry_  written in big letters, and he can't help but turn to look at the blond boy to check if it really was him who threw it.

If Niall's sincere blue eyes are anything to go on, it really was, and he really meant it.

Zayn feels ashamed of his immediate desire to write back  _it's ok_  and kiss those soft lips again; after all, Niall was the one person who he’d wanted to think well of him, and in the end he had made him feel more worthless than anybody else ever had.

So he scribbles  _for what?_  and throws the paper back, because he wants to hear him say it. Or see him write it- whatever.

Niall looks back at him when he reads the note, writes something down straight away, and hands it to him instead of throwing it again.

_For being a coward. And a cunt._

It isn't exactly what Zayn expected him to write, but he'll take it.

He writes back a simple  _OK_  because that doesn't sound  _too_  desperate.

Niall doesn't bother with the note after that, but instead whispers “I'm not a coward anymore, and I'm going to stop being a cunt. And I like your shirt.”

That makes Zayn laugh, because he's wearing a plain grey t-shirt today and there's really nothing to like about that.

“By the way, who're you going to prom with?”

“I'm not going,” Zayn says, though he still hasn't really decided on that.

“So there's no point in me asking you?”

Zayn takes a moment to decide whether he's serious or not, and when he decides he is, he knocks out all of his defences and says “You could try.”

So Niall does try, and Zayn says yes, and Liam, who's sitting behind Niall, smiles.

By the time the bell rings, Zayn concludes that maybe he isn’t better, but he might be good enough.


End file.
